* One of those pulp magazines you see at the checkout counter with Brangelina all over it: Yahoo.
* Almost all of what happens here, you are too old to understand, or care about: Snapchat.
* A city just off a major highway, populated by a horde of doppelgängers, built from stolen parts. A creepy attempt to ensnare the living. Wander in by accident and they will start following you everywhere. One of them even looks suspiciously like you: Google Plus.
* Exactly what you would expect, if you gave everyone, from the very helpful to the very very deranged, their own television studio: YouTube.
* The electronic version of the Ganges river. Vile, upsetting, infectious garbage floating past you endlessly, mixed in with cute cats and dogs accidentally doing stuff. A surprising amount of it has been tainted by corporations upstream. Nevertheless, you have somehow convinced yourself it is important and refreshing to bathe in this every day, because the rest of your family does too. Answer: Facebook.
* The schizoaffective version of Facebook: Twitter.
* What you get when you turn impotent rage inside out and stomp on it: Vine. Solid gold. Mixed-race friend groups doing 7-second parodies and shitting themselves laughing is a greater force for worldwide peace than every shame crusade or triumphant, preaching manifesto slime-trailing itself across Facebook in a dumptruck of 'likes'. Yes! A greater force, for it normalizes perceptions. (Also it's just funny: https://vine.co/v/5vzUQudZmLW )
* The rest of the internet doesn't exist. You are safe there, ... mostly.
* Except Google will find you. I lied.