By the end of the trip, me and the rest of the boys had used up an incredible number of shells. Well, I used maybe six of them. It was my first time with a shotgun!
Originally I was going to stay another day at the cabin, but I was getting antsy about all the preparations I needed to do for my cross-country drive. Dan decided he'd had enough of the woods for now as well, so we drove out together as far as the trading post with the horses, then split up. As I made my way south, the traffic got progressively worse, giving me plenty of time to ruminate on my weekend and where my mind was at.
I've spent the last two years, I think, trying to distance myself from old patterns, especially in relationships. I got a bit obsessed with avoiding repeated mistakes, to the point where I was simultaneously diving into new things and hesitating once I was immersed in them. It was not ideal, but it was at least educational. As the landscape drifted by I recalled a strange offhand compliment that I'd received from a co-worker earlier in the week: "I envy you. You always seem to find interesting things to do, by being nice and making connections with friends, and then you actually go do them." The fellow who gave me the compliment was, I think, lamenting his own overcommitment to work and the way it kept him trapped in a routine.
But it got me thinking: This urge to endlessly explore - is it a part of my nature, or is it some kind of phase? Is it typical for a person to suddenly decide to spend nearly two weeks of precious vacation time driving a car across the country? What about the other things this year - Bike Party, the trip to Death Valley, the museum trips, the gardening, the electronics tinkering, the music, the shows, writing, karaoke, yoga, the housing search... Some of these are routines, some of these are events, but all of them are in pursuit of some sense of personal construction. Is this meant to have a destination? Some overarching purpose or theme?
I shook my head to clear it. This was typical of me; overanalyzing things.