Garrett (garote) wrote,

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I think the trouble with me is, I keep offering help and understanding to strangers who don't explicitly ask for it.

I mean, if I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say, or read a post where someone wrote, "Damn, I'm feeling terrible", or "I really wish I had someone to talk to", or even "I really wish I had a hug", I would be filthy rich. But I'm not rich, I'm just a bleeding-heart. I ask questions, I try and give supportive advice, I offer to talk, or to contribute, sometimes even to go somewhere. ... What the hell good am I doing? It seems that most of these people are just generally, perpetually, unhappy, and occasionally they attempt to attract someone they can take it out on. And I paint a big target on my shirt.

People around me are starting to take on a very disturbing shape. I'm starting to see patterns in their behavior, in their motivations. It'll happen in small doses. I'll be standing in line at a supermarket, and I'll be looking at someone, and instead of seeing a person, all of a sudden a few simple concepts will rearrange in my head, and I'll be looking at a trained gorilla. I'll see a dim, loutish, hairy animal, standing upright with decorative fabrics and bangles pasted onto itself, it's mind nearly transparent with a few tangled ideas whirling around madly. Find food. Push the levers for money. Attract a mate. Produce offspring. Mark territory. Clean off the feces. My ears open up and the words stop making sense. All around me, all I hear is an endless dull roar of "Ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook", and I sense doom approaching, fast and inescapable. A suffocating death in the soiled remains of a devastated ecosystem. A last flailing scream in rash panic, and my mouth chokes with hot gorilla fur, and I am pressed down into acrid yellow mud, an inch at a time, beneath a writhing, terrified, clawing, defacating, fucking, masturbating, vomiting mountain of gorillas, hollering "OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK OOK".

It's kind of a problematic vision. BECAUSE I AM A TRAINED GORILLA.
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