|Friday, June 6th, 2008|
1:56a - And now: Less bike talk, more Elder Scrolls talk!
Advanced Table Dancing Tactics: Bookshelves.
If you back up, then run forward and bash your face against them over and over like Daffy Duck, you can knock everything onto the floor. Combine this with the usual tabletop mambo and you can ruin a shop in seconds. To complete the scene, go sprinting out the door shouting "WOOHOO!!"
"Oh, only 800 gold for my Daedric mace? Well ... how you like this, huh?" (CRASH) "Cheapskate! Gosh, you sure keep a messy shop!" (CLANG) (CRASH) "Whaaaat a MESSY SHOP! Woohoo!! Bye!" (SLAM)
I don't know how they did it - I'm not even sure why it's so - but the lizard-woman who runs the Cheydinhal Mage's Guild is downright sexy. Chat her up and tell me if I'm insane.
I have found the ultimate armor. It's a pair of echanted cloth trousers called "Monkeypants". You put them on and your acrobatics and athletics ratings are fortified by 10 points, and your willpower reduced by 5. It's good to be a monkey.
Here's a little story about things going wrong!
While exploring the wilderness I passed a mansion on a hill, next to a cave. I wandered in, offending the lady of the house, who ordered me to leave. I ignored her and marched upstairs, where I found the count, seated at a desk. He decided to tell me - a complete stranger - all about his plan to mine silver from the caverns next door using ogres as slave labor.
I decided the right thing to do was go running into the mine and free the ogres... But the entrance was locked. So I wandered away and did other things.
Days later I found a huge statue of a demonic god. When I approached, the statue began ranting about how ogres should never be slaves, and about how there was a count in a nearby mansion who was being a real jerk and keeping ogres as slaves. He ordered me to go back to the mansion and set the ogres loose.
So I stormed in a second time, offending the lady of the house all over again. This time, I stopped and talked to her instead of her husband. She told me - still a complete stranger - that she disagreed with her husband's barbaric ways and that she wanted the ogres to be liberated. Then she handed me the key to their mine, and said, "Go do it."
So I went barreling into the mine, expecting a fight with whatever guards were there. But I didn't bother using the key to get inside, I just cast "master unlock" at the door from a distance. Perhaps this was my mistake. Inside the mine were about a half-dozen guards, standing around looking grim. Whenever I walked close to one, he ordered me to leave the mine, or proclaimed my eminent death. But none of them actually attacked, or even drew their weapons. Just followed me around the mine at a respectful distance.
Eventually I found a disheveled troop of ogres stuck in a cramped cell behind an iron gate. I cast "master unlock" on the gate and opened it. The ogres wandered out, completely ignoring me ... and began beating on the guards, who fought back. I dodged around the fracas and located a second jail cell, with more ogres, and unlocked that. And a third. Each time, the ogres would trudge casually out, and stand around until a guard came into view. Then there would be a deafening brawl.
Unfortunately, the ogres were unarmed, and the guards were numerous and well equipped. Before I could even find my way back out of the mine, all the ogres were dead, along with a few guards. I had let them out only to have them fight their captors ... and lose.
"Well, that was a wash", I thought to myself, and trudged back to the statue of the demonic god. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was a bit surprised when the god lavished praise on me, handed me a magical item, and said, "that'll teach them! Ogres should be free!"
I get the impression I was supposed to kill all the guards before the ogres left their cells. But the guards never raised a hand to me.
Anyway, I forgot all about this odd quest. Then weeks later I entered a city at night, intent on selling my loot at a blacksmith, and accidentally clicked on the locked door of the shop (the shop was closed for the night, which I should have realized) and the game presented me with a "pick the lock!" screen instead of taking me inside. I exited that screen, but it was too late - I'd been spotted by a nearby guard "attempting" to pick a lock. He said "Okay, pay your fine, and give me any stolen goods back at the castle, and you can go." That was alright by me, since the fine was the equivalent of about 70 cents.
But something went horribly wrong. Partway to the castle entrance, near the barracks, the guard was ambushed by four of the guards from the ogre mine. The first guard called for help, and more guards came running out of the barracks. The two groups of guards then fought each other, while I stood there, dumbfounded, ... and totally ignored. Clang! Ooof! *BRZAP*! "Heelp! Murderer!" "Stop!" Whack, hack, chop. "ARRRGGH."
The first collateral damage was a townsperson who happened to be standing near the castle entrance. Her name was Varulae, and I'd recently returned a crystal ball to her that had been stolen. A battlemage from the ogre mine group unloaded a fireball right in her face, and she flew up into the air, head over heels, struck the castle wall ten yards back, and hit the ground dead. As the guards fought on, I strolled over to her corpse to loot it (of course) and yes, there was the crystal ball I'd given her a few weeks ago. Still in her pocket. So I took it back, because ... well, why not?
Next victim was a castle guard. On his corpse I found some nondescript armor and a castle key, so I swiped the key just in case. After that, the murderous battlemage was killed. On his corpse I found - ah hah! - a key titled "tarnished ogre cage key". Well that makes sense. Perfect sense. Except the ogres are all dead now, and the ogre mine is more than a hundred miles to the east, absolutely nowhere near this town, and the guards are still not attacking me.
Eventually, every damn guard in the barracks was dead, and every member of the ogre mine group was dead as well, except for one man, who stood in the castle courtyard, facing me. As though we had some unfinished business. So I walked up and engaged him in conversation. He opened his mouth and screamed:
"NO REPEAT OFFENDERS! THAT'S MY MOTTO!"
Then ended the conversation.
I have no idea what to do with this guy. He's just standing there in the courtyard. If I get close enough, he says generic conversational things, like, "You're a fit one! Been running a lot?" But if I actually engage conversation, he screams at me again. There are four dead guards heaped nearby as well. I'd take their loot, but it's all cheap stuff and not worth my time.
Update: The last mine guard is dead. Another castle guard came wandering outside, and as soon as he saw the mine guard, he drew his sword and cut him down. Now the only evidence that this happened is the corpses. I looked at my game stats, and it shows 0 bounty, 0 infamy, and 0 murders. Apparently I was just a spectator here.
I still need to sell all this loot. First I need to wait for the damned blacksmith shop to open. I went wandering in to the Fighter's Guild to look for a spare bed, but when I talked with the first person I met, he said, "Hey you! Deliver this shipment of weapons to Desolate Mine!" and shoved a steel longsword, a bow, and a warhammer into my arms. So I left and went to the tavern, and bought a hotel room for 1 dollar. I laid down in the bed but woke up one hour later from a nightmare that I was turning into a vampire. Oops, got to cure that Pyrophiric Hemawhatsit, or whatever that vampire disease is called in this game. So many things to do... Heh heh.
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