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Wednesday, December 19th, 2001
12:23a - .

Uncertainty. Did some writing tonight, on comments. Planning my Santa Cruz, Sacramento, and Oregon visits. Received a package. Talked on the phone with a college friend, Jeremy, an elementary school teacher with a good heart.

"Yeah, I can see how that didn't work out for you. See, you remind me of another friend of mine. You're both this open, honest person, really good with communicating, really nice. You need to hook up with someone who knows who she is and what she wants. You've both had too much of these fresh-out-of-school doesn't know how to live together doesn't know what she wants kind of girls."

Feel like I'm missing something. Meeting to see Lord of the Rings tomorrow with seven friends and three family members. Should be happy. Excited. Vague sense of dread. Struck by an infatuation with someone, but tortured with the apprehension that anything I do would corrupt a connection. Trying to be very very careful. Wringing my hands in the off hours. Pounding the shower wall.

Mostly worried that her previous thought is right. The contents of my head are irrelevant compared to this geography. There's no point when I live so far away. Why would I persist? Felt a sense of something the very first day. Was too involved with another to act. What does this mean? Wish I could do something.

Uncertain and sad. Unsure what to do.


current mood: melancholy

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1:30a
Finished jog. Activity has calmed me a little. Now afraid I've gone too far but unwilling to remove the previous entry. It looks totally childish but I don't care.

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12:12p
I had a dream last night. The boss of my old company, a great person named Marge, was teaching a summer-school class. I was the only student. She sat on the desk in the front of the classroom, and I claimed a combination desk-chair, surrounded by a dozen other empty ones.

The class was, she would read out loud from The Lord of the Rings, and I would listen.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and walked across campus. The toilet, around the bend in a dim cracked tile hallway, was overflowing with shit -- but when I pushed the handle, it instantly cleaned itself and became gleaming white ceramic.

I sat down on the bowl, but no sooner had I warmed the seat when I glanced at my palmpilot. It was 10:13. The Lord of the Rings had started at the theatre 13 minutes ago! All my friends were there! Why had I bought tickets for a movie that played during my summer school class?

I gathered my backpack and leapt into my car. The interior was huge, and crowded with luggage. What was I going to tell Marge? She was back in the classroom. It was so rude to bail on her when I was the only student in the class.

Searching for an answer, I dug in the trunk of the car, over the lip of the rear seats. It was a hatchback. I found a huge journal, stuffed with odds and ends glued to the thick paper. I opened it looking for a response to my online entry.

It was a handmade message, printed with rubber stamps and cutouts of vinyl. In tall cursive over most of the page, it said "You're fired!". Next to it, in inky typewriter lettering, was "How can I pay attention to you when there are so many other hot guys around?" I thought it was nice that she'd made the entry by hand, at least.

I leapt in the front seat of the car to drive it, but it only sailed down the road in neutral. When I got out to inspect the trailer hitch, it began drifting along by itself. I leapt onto the trailer, hoping the car would slow down later on, and I could get into the front seat again. Before I could do this, the car went around a steep curve, off the road, and into a riverbed. As it crunched up against the embankment, I felt relieved that there wasn't too much damage, ... until it burst into bright orange flames and exploded.

When I woke up this morning, I had no idea how to interpret this dream. Currently, the best theory I have is that I subconsciously feel like my new job, with its high isolation and pay, is heading me for destruction,... and by coming here I have betrayed my old employer, my old relationships, and my old friends.


current mood: pensive

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2:20p
Ergh, conflicting blacks. I shouldn't have worn these pants to work!

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