Garrett (garote) wrote,

  • Mood:

Very Poorly

Writing l33t perl code was good. Window-shopping for digital cameras was good. Eating a restaurant meal with my family members was good.

You know that feeling you get when your stomach burns, and your throat tightens, and your eyes bug out, and your mouth dries up, and your neck stiffens, and your breathing gets irregular?

Now it's very late and I feel very very bad, because in the course of testing the l33t perl code I read through a couple dozen emails from 2000, when my last significant relationship was in full swing. And I was inevitably driven to the bitter observation of how fundamentally alone I am here and now.

The kicking element, the topmost fact that makes this all so discouraging, is that the person I'm missing the most doesn't know that I am missing them, and with the passage of so much time, probably shouldn't know, now. But how could I possibly tell that?

Bah. This is all very unhealthy for me.
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