Garrett (garote) wrote,

An old email from Zoggo: The worst ideas for computer games EVER

Today Zog wrote:

I just thought I'd write you all and tell you that I have now officially conceived the worst ideas for computer games EVER.

These came about during a really really really really really REALLY boring meeting yesterday. These are the worst. Just the absolute worst. Are you ready??

The first game is called, Teabags. It's a puzzle game involving wet teabags which are sitting on movable see-saw platforms. These tilt slowly, like the Super Mario 64 ones. Sloooooow. The game itself would be in beautifully rendered 3D, with lots of fancy camera features and upbeat funky horn music to complement the, er, "action".

So, superb sound and graphics, yes?! It must be GREAT! Um...

The goal is to make all the teabags reach "the bottom". At the beginning of each round you are allotted a certain number of "platform turns". These, when used, tilt the platforms to one side, and they don't stop tilting until all the teabags have reached a critical altitude and lose enough friction to slide off. So, the puzzles involve trying to strategically stack the wet teabags on the platforms so that they're heavy enough to automatically tip the platforms, because undoubtedly you will run out of platform turns.

Strategy. Timing. Subtlety. Anally retentive puzzles. HOURS OF EXCRUCIATING, FRUSTRATING BOREDOM! Why, it's... TEABAGS! The un-fun game from the Zach workshop.

And of course, you're permitted to try the levels as many times as you wish, just to drive the boredom in. Each level would require some really careful manipulation and timing, and basically I think the only people who would enjoy this game AT ALL are the kind who sit around and drink nothing but Earl Grey and talk about the logistics and morality of Freetos. Good lord this game would be painfully boring...

To spice things up, you could have concrete blocks that smash the teabags, or the 'bags could leave beautifully rendered 3D slime trails when they slide thus reducing the friction, or you could have colonies of ants who appear and try to run off with the teabags. The
possibilities aren't endless!

"Lock on to teabag 4, cinnamon spice! Ready... SLIDE!"
Oy, enough of that. The second game is ill-defined, but I think the name says it all: Bitch Where's My Rabbit Foot.

The third game is called Feetstink. This is similar to the old Mac game Glider where you fly a paper airplane around a room. In this case, though, you're a cute origami octopus who twitters around in space and is slowly pulled to the ground by gravity. (Garrett: think Peter's Quest) You can steer him left or right, but the controls are super-aggrevating. The object is to maneuver the little bugger from the left side of the screen to the right. Every time. You have to dodge enemies and obstacles, pick up bonuses, yadda ya.

What makes this game awful is the setting; Each screen shows a picture of people sitting on a couch, with their legs outstretched, relaxing, watching TV, with goofy grins on their faces. They're ignoring you and all the other little critters that are floating around; they're mesmerized by the telly, perhaps? Well, they all have their shoes off. And you get a certain number of capsules and food products at the beginning of each level. Yes, you feed these to the people, who swallow them in one gulp and then unflinchingly return to gazing at the television screen. Now, the different capsules cause... how can I put this nicely... different vapors to eminate from their feet, slowly, in thick smoky drafts. And these take the form of air drafts that push your little guy up, or suck him down, all sorts of things. On the higher levels you get cyanide capsules and you can feed these to the people, and they instantly die and begin to slowly decompose, causing even more vapors. Aiye!

What a terrible, slow, horrid idea for a game. But hey, it might just be a bigger hit than Parappa The Rappa. For the record, Brian was seriously repulsed by Feetstink. SERIOUSLY.

Heh heh. I NEED A HOBBY.

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