Suddenly someone barges in with a carny outfit and a bicycle horn, carrying a box filled with pills and ointment bottles. "Enlarge your penis!" he bellows. "Five dollars! Don't you wish you penis was big for teh ladeys?" et cetera. Someone gets up and goes to the corner and gets a baseball bat leaning against the wall. Conks the guy on the head. Security drags him out of the room.
They sit back down at the table. One says "So! Where were we?" ... Then another guy barges in from another door. "Buy shares in KFROX, this stock is hot hot HOT!" He climbs up on the table and begins dancing like James Brown on it, delivering his spiel. "This one's taking off like a rocket! Don't get left behind, small market micro mini cap fast turnover (blah blah...)" A different guy sighs and gets up. Shot of the bat being grabbed from the corner of room again.
Shot of people entering banks of elevators. The doors open and more of these guys jump out - bright clown clothing, trays of crap, bullhorns, party favors, etc. Sweeping shot along encounters in a cube farm. People hitting them with bats. Additional sounds of bats hitting heads. *thock*, *thock* View of cube farm with bat edges appearing over the tops of the walls, many of them, over and over. Pile of knocked out guys and scattered pills and jars and signs by the receptionists office.
Interview with a security guard. "Yeah, I don't know where they keep coming from. It's kind of an epidemic. They're like lemmings."
Shot of a revolving door in the front of a large building. People walk in and then three or four of these hucksters walk in right after them. Bright costumes, clown suits, big foam-rubber dong helmets on their heads, handfuls of CDs, some of them waving flags. *thock*, *thock*, *thock*. The door revolves and the hucksters are on the ground, knocked out.
Shot of lines of them queued up, patiently waiting by back doors and drive-throughs. Each in turn is knocked on the head. The guard again, saying: "I don't understand - who would buy from these guys anyway?" He freewheels for a bit, continuing in voiceover while we see:
A shot of a cubicle. Huckster wanders in with a tray of sausages on a bun. Computer guy looks up from desk, turns around to see him. Gets his bat, which is resting near-at-hand on his filing cabinet. Raises it above the cube wall, looks around to make sure no one else is seeing ... then he puts down the bat and drops a wad of cash on the guy's tray, then hurriedly scoops all the "sausages-inna-bun" off onto a desk with his other arm.
Shot of the huckster being shoved out of the cube, into the hall. He looks down at his empty tray then grins and does a victory dance, waving the tray and cash above his head, until a security guard comes up from behind and knocks him out. *thock*.
While the next scenes play out, the guard continues in voice-over, talking about the problem. These are all cut very tightly.
* Shot of guys on a street corner, opening and closing their jackets, which are lined with CD-ROMS pinned to the insides.
* Shot of a guy at a larger intersection wearing headphones and waving a giant white cardboard arrow that covers most of his body. On the arrow is written "BIGGER PEN1S".
* Shot of a regular guy eating popcorn in a movie theatre seat. Wider shot of him and the seat next to him. A guy sits down, turned in his seat so he is facing the first guy the whole time. The new guy is grinning and wearing a trenchcoat and a giant light-encrusted hat shaped like a penis. He leans his arms on the seat divider and just sits there staring at the guy. The guy frowns, puts his popcorn down out of sight, and comes up with a baseball bat.
* Shot of a garbage truck pulling up to a sidewalk. A man leaps out and up to a garbage can, but just as he is lifting it up, the lid pops open and up comes a man wearing a hand-lettered sign around his neck reading "X4N4X". Reaction shot of the garbageman. Shot of the can being emptied over the rim of the truck, while a pair of legs sticks up upside down out of the trash heap, waving.
* Shot of a restaurant. People seated, eating meals. A guy wanders out into an open region, rubbing his hands together. He opens his coat and pulls out a cash register on unfolding stilts, and unfolds it directly in front of him, close in, so it stands exactly chest height. From the other side of his coat he pulls an unfolding sign on a pole, and begins waving it all around himself. The sign reads a bunch of UNICODE GIBBERISH. Wider shot of him doing this in the middle of the restaurant, while people ignore him and keep eating. Then a waitress walks in from the left, stops, and crosses her arms angrily. The two exchange glances, OK-Corral style. Skip to a shot of the waitress beating the man with the bat, smashing his cash register, etc.
* A few others in the montage that I haven't thought of.
The skit winds down with a shot of the guard saying something like "There has got to be a way to solve this problem. I mean... When will they stop? What do they want?" ...
Another shot of a huckster walking up to a street corner, unfolding a cash register just like the restaurant guy, and waving around a sign reading "P3NIS". He waves it for a few seconds and then ANOTHER huckster wanders up and sets a cash register up directly beside him. This huckster is a woman. She begins waving around a sign that reads "HOT CH1X". Shot of them both waving their signs for a second. Then they stop and slowly turn and see each other.
Swelling music. Reaction shots. Final shot of them walking up the street, "into the sunset" hand in hand, their signs held in their other hand, but down at their sides, not waving. The End.
Good grief I've turned into a staff writer for Saturday Night Live. :/