Garrett (garote) wrote,

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It's her birthday today. I'm supposed to forget these things -- it's been more than a year now. It hasn't helped that, since that time, life has sucked for me in the large part.

Oh sure, saving money, new car, yadda yadda. Learned a few things. Incorporated parts of her into myself.

It's not healthy. After this long, I've observed that I still think about her almost every day.

I was going to send her a birthday present, but that would just be rude. I'm not supposed to contact her until she decides to contact me. That will probably be never.

I do not like where I am, but economy keeps me here. All the time I feel the clock ticking. I feel myself getting older. I feel the parts of me that I cannot inhabit with anyone here getting ground up, drying out. I recently realized that no one in my family - possibly even my extended family - could truly understand the relationships I have with my friends, and how important those relationships are to me. To put it bluntly, they don't have friends like mine. Never needed them, or wanted them, or appreciated them -- or whatever.

Well laaa dee daa, since you're down here, why don't you just go find some NEW friends?SHUT THE HELL UP THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT LIKE THE GODDAMN POST OFFICE

Okay well maybe this rant is a bit harsh. But just the same. There are sides to me that none of my family has ever seen -- probably never will see. Occasionally I use a journal entry to fill in the gaps, to offer a clearer picture. But I've noticed that I am very very particular about who I trust with what. I've had too many of my actions misunderstood, mocked, or taken offense to, and this is the practice I've developed to protect myself from that.

And so naturally, I've taken great care in selecting my friends.

Sheesh. "Did you know that your brother wants to be a rock star?" That's just fucking great. That's the last time I ever play her anything in person. She can download the goddamn mp3 like everyone else from now on. Getting the nerve to even do that at all was hard enough.
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