From: email@example.com (The Last Remaining Fan Of Bruce Babbitt In America)
Subject: Home Project: The Do-It-Yourself Kirking Kit
This project is designed to bring knowledge of "How to Kirk a DECStation" with simple household tools to the masses. WARNING: This is not a project for beginners, as novices may well do something incredibly stupid like leaving their HES numbers in incriminating places, asking Troy Nolan for advice, or sending a chain E-MAIL letter to firstname.lastname@example.org.
The author holds no responsibility for the side effects of the Kirking process on surrounding machines, radio frequencies and E115 labs. This error-checking is solely the responsibility of the user of the kit.
- One (1) Phillips screwdriver, 5/8" head.
- One (1) Black & Decker Skil-Saw.
- One (1) Bic lighter (preferably blue)
- Two (2) naive assistants.
- One (1) Asthma-Hound Chihuahua.
- One (1) set of Star Trek: The Next Regurgitation[tm] trading cards.
- One (1) claw hammer.
- Three (3) bags of tenpenny nails.
- Four (4) E115 lab manuals.
- One (1) Aviion video board.
- Five (5) bagel dogs.
- One (1) Black & Decker Wet/Dry Shop-Vac.
- One (1) Chia Pet.
Begin by finding an unattended DECstation somewhere on campus (note: the Graphics Lab is for advanced Kirking kit owners only). Press the small gray button on the rear of the machine to begin the fun.
At the prompt, type "I am Dexy: hear me roar!" and apply the claw hammer to the rear of the machine. Small droplets of fluid may form on the front of the monitor; these are merely sweat droplets, so take no notice.
After applying the hammer, beat the machine repeatedly with the Chia Pet until the outer coverings fall off. Do NOT attempt to zephyr cddukes at this point.
Nail down the remnants of the machine with the nails and hammer, and send one naive assistant out to order breadsticks from Ollie's. Proceed to place the Asthma-Hound Chihuahua atop the now-exposed machine and beat the hell out of it with the Avion board. The chihuahua, doing what they do best, will presumably take a leak all over the inner workings of the machine. Sparks may fly now, but most will arc onto the chihuahua. Even so, it's best to stand on a rubber mat from this point on.
Once the chihuahua has finished, throw it in the corner and give it the bagel dogs to keep it quiet. Remove excess urine with the Shop-Vac and give the machine a moment or two to settle down. Place the E115 manuals on top of the sparking machine, secure them to any accessible parts by jamming the screwdriver through the pages into the machinery, and set the manuals alight with the Bic.
WARNING: Be sure to remove the chihuahua from the terminal before applying
the Bic. A flaming chihuahua, while a fun party attraction, is likely to draw unwanted attention to you at this point. Feed the flames with the Star Trek:TNG trading cards; Wesley cards should be applied first, the others according to prevailing whims.
Carve a notice reading "kastarne was here ha ha EvilComputerOligarchs!" in the desk near the flaming terminal with the Skil-Saw. Hand the Bic lighter to the second naive assistant, tell him to stay there until further notice, and leave the room.
Proceed to the next open terminal, send E-Mail to email@example.com to inform them of the down terminal, log-out and exit the building.
Collect your breadsticks from the first naive assistant, tell him to join the second assistant inside, and head for home.
You have now succeeded in Kirking [tm] the machine.
Have fun, enjoy, and remember: If it hasn't been Kirked, it's not worth