In 2002, when Amelia cheated on me, and then posted pictures of herself IN BED with the guy, surrounded by lovey proclamations of their destined status or whatnot ... and let THAT be the way I found out about it ... I ran outside to the nearby soccer field and ripped big chunks of dirt out of the ground and began throwing them at the houses. Later on, when I described to my father how ANGRY I was, and asked, "how could she do something so dishonest?", he said:
"That's your ego talking. You're not really asking 'how could she do this?'.
You're asking, 'how could she do this TO ME? How could this happen TO ME?'
... Just wish her good luck, and let her leave. It's better for your blood pressure."
Ego is not a mystical human spark or a divine gift. Ego is a prank that evolution has played on us. It's our personal indignance at the universe for actually handing us the events that WE KNOW IT CAN. Any time. That feeling is not a component of love or happiness or devotion, it's the core of revenge and jealousy. It's obviously not very helpful.
And this situation... What makes it worse than mine was with Amelia... is that there is no upside. At least when I got away from Amelia, she was then free to pursue her childhood sweetheart. She dumped me because she thought she would be doing better. Here, nobody has gained anything. It's a shit pie no matter how you slice it. And you each have a piece, compliments not of each other in this case, but of THE UNIVERSE.
Surely you both know this.
It is not my intention to goad you into communicating again. I've been hearing both sides of this and you're both suffering. I can't imagine what trauma HIV transmission does to a relationship, especially when BOTH parties were in the dark about the true chances of that transmission, and BOTH parties had been somewhat afraid to even confront what those chances were, for too long a timespan. I can only imagine it's like you had a child, and the child was killed in an accident crossing the road one day, and each of you blamed the other for some negligence that led to it - "You didn't teach him to use the crosswalk!" "Well, YOU insisted that we live next to that road!" What relationship deserves such events, or could withstand such blame? How could you possibly resolve it? And what could _I_ possibly do, handcuff you together and hand you each a sword? Even putting you in the same room together after such feelings have aired would surely be a complete disaster.
But the ego and anger are coming out, room or no. And after hearing so much pain expressed from both of you, I want to say one thing so that you both will hear it:
Neither of you wanted to hurt the other,
NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD START NOW.
Some events are so traumatic that they can end relationships. This was such an event. Blame and rage will convert to exhaustion and emptiness, if they haven't already -- but this relationship will still be over, for reasons beyond your control. HIV is a god damn monster, and HIV Has Eaten Your Relationship. Set the furniture upright, with the care that you both retain, and leave it at that. Please, for your own sake.
Thank you. I now return to my usual pattern of evading drama whenever possible.