Garrett (garote) wrote,
Garrett
garote

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The Pirate Movie

Liked the first one. Liked the second one, the effects were dazzling.

The third one:

What an overblown steaming pile of crap.

OH GEE FOLKS I KNOW THE BEST WAY TO START OFF A ROLLICKING ACTION FILM FULL OF SLAPSTICK AND HIGH SPIRITS......... LET'S HANG A HUNDRED PEOPLE.

That whole god damn scene should have been CUT. FUCK YOU, Gore Verbinski. Your posse of editors are all FIRED. That was just stupid. What the crusty crab nuts were you thinking.

CRONK oh hey, now we're in China or someplace! Let's cast Chow Yun Fat as a swashbuckler then WASTE him, walking him around like a geriatric librarian! Yay, that's China, now let's blow it up, 'cause, like, the British are here for no raisin.

CRONK oh look glaciers NOW WE'RE IN THE ARCTIC! We got here on a fricking two-masted fishing schooner with paper sails! Overnight! Here's the editor: CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP. No what, then all those effects artists would have gone to waste, let's keep every turgid crawling second in.

"There's always..... Calypso....." Oh great, even more stupid mythology. When I heard that line I shouted "what?????" and apparently the whole row agreed because they laughed. You know what would have been a better film? This one, with a whole 90 MINUTES CUT OUT. Second film: Oh look, Jack is such a klutz, he tripped and dropped his jar of dirt; hee hee! Third film: Oh look, Jack is standing on the MAST of a ship having a SWORDFIGHT in a HURRICANE while HOLDING A CHEST. And it's RAINING. And he's in BOOTS. And he's WINNING. He's fricking Spiderman now, isn't he.

And now jungle lady is a god? And her big denouement is, she expands into the 50-foot-woman and throws a tantrum and sounds like Barney in heat? What?! Let's take less than two seconds coming up with this rancid cardboard idea, then spend TWO MILLION DOLLARS and UNCOUNTABLE hours of effects-artists' time trying to make it look like anything other than puke. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

In the second film they take such care giving Bill Nighy a memorable entrance and all the dark corners to skulk in and he fills the role with bluster and bile, and you love to watch him, and now we're treated to the sight of him standing around, cowed, incongruous, and ridiculous, in an ordinary cabin taking orders from a paper-thin second-fiddle villain in curlers. Take him off the ship and he's no more frightening than Santa Claus. He can walk through fucking WALLS but he's lapdog to this twit because a couple of morons are in his conservatory with toy cannons? Who farted?? Oh wait, THE PLOT DID. What bollocks, and what a waste. Bill Nighy MADE the second film. In this one he sacrifices screen time to Keira "I-Only-Have-One-Emotion:-Mildly-Irritated" Knightley, and quite possibly her submission for Most Derivative, Embarrassing, Uninspiring 'Rally The Troops' Speech Ever Made By Anyone Ever, Including Orangutans. It couldn't have been any worse if she's ended it with "LET'S DO THIS!", or perhaps that perennial chestnut, "WHO'S WITH ME?"

In conclusion, Gore Verbinski owes me ten fucking dollars.
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